So after busting my behind to make sure that not only do I get loads that will actually get me home for the holiday, but also driving hard to make sure I get there in time; I finally get home ( Mira Loma, Ca. terminal at least) at about 6pm Christmas eve. My wife seems underwhelmed to see me and is really in a strange mood. The next day; Christmas proper, I have a hard time explaining to her that it's highly inappropriate to leave her family who has worked hard making a very good dinner, not to mention her Hubby who worked hard getting there on time. For what you ask? What else-to go down to her Friends house and get drunk! Ain't that great!
To say that I was both hurt and insulted would be an understatement. It took all I had to patiently explain to her why this idea was incredibly wrong when every part of me want to yell and scream a few choice things at her. I chose the high ground and talked calmly to her explaining how inconsiderate this action would be. She reluctantly agreed to drop the subject for the rest of the day-which she spent brooding. Life's rough when you can't get your drunk on I guess! She also complained about Andreas' son Dorian; who is all of almost 9, playing WII games on the TV (that he got for Christmas) because she couldn't watch her shows. I told her right out she was acting like a spoiled brat and to grow up! Of course a kid wants to play with his presents, whats hard to understand about that?
The next day when I had all of $30.00 to my name I gave her $20.00 of it and took her to her friends for the post holiday beer swill festival. Of course I got attitude because it was "only" $ 20.00. That's gratitude for you!
Got paid today and took her to the store to by household supplies. Then gave her money to go to the Casino with her beer buddies-not a small amount of cash either. She was in such a hurry to get out of the car I had to call her back to get a goodbye kiss. This after her knowing I was going to the truck today to be ready to leave when needed and probably won't be home for 8-10 weeks! Boy that made me feel all warm and fuzzy let me tell you. She had been doing OK for a while after we first moved to Cali, but not so much anymore. It is getting to be the same behaviour she had in Phoenix. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that no matter how well i treat her, no matter how much money I give her, no matter what I do for her; it will never measure up to the joy she seems to get when she is with her beer buddies.
I love her with all my heart and it is really hard and hurtful knowing that I don't rate as high as her loser friends and getting drunk!!!
I am sad to say I am actually glad to be getting back on the truck! (how messed up is that).
I have given her certain financial ultimatums; which I am not sure she really understands the gravity of.
Sometimes I don't know how much longer I can keep living like this, pouring my love, work, effort and devotion into a relationship with a person that more often than not anymore seems incapable of returning anything even close to the same level of effort. I understand marriage is hard, that's why we are still together; but honestly, how ludicrous does it have to get before it's simply too much. I had no idea that the bright, outgoing, loving woman I married would turn into such a selfish, childish, self centered person.
I don't have a clue what do to any more most of the time, I'm burned out to some extent; burned out on the constant war of dealing with an adult who is incapable of behaving like one. The thing that makes this so hard is I honestly don't think she realizes what she is doing, it's simply this is what I want and she does it with no thought of consequences. She is currently displaying the cognitive faculties of a young child-everything revolves around her. Zero consideration for others. If I was to issue her a report card it would have a check by the box that says "Does not work and play well with others".
Another sad statement is that I used to enjoy coming home, not so much anymore. It seems like I put a lot of effort into getting home and very little appreciation for it.
I have NO IDEA where to go from here. There is no easy answer, maybe the time away will help refresh me. Maybe after 8-10 weeks of being out I will not mind being used and ignored so much. Who knows.
There is no "on the road less traveled" comment on this entry, it's just too depressing.
I think you have proved to be more than patient with her. Per our conversation earlier, she is now the person I've known since I was 13 years old. She seemed to reach a point where she no longer cared for anyone other than herself. She is a habitual liar, and often bends the truth to make her out to be the victim. While she has openly complained about everyone around her (including me) she has never taken responsibility for who she is and what she has done. She left me to fend for myself at 15 years old. Moved into several places without my knowledge, one place was a studio and she told me there wasn't enough room for me. All of this, and I still have no issues with her, as she started using drugs when I was 9 years old. Her lifestyle has only afforded her the life she chose, without considering me or Dorian when he was living. She will tell you about the abusive relationships she was in, but neglect to tell you the abuse she allowed us to endure because she wanted what she wanted. Years of sexual abuse (that she doesn't know about), years of neglect and not eating that still affects my digestive system to this day. But all of that is water under the bridge, because she will not change, and I don't expect her to. Life is full of unexpected pain, and the only way to endure it is to have faith in God that something beautiful is just around the corner. My beautiful thing has been my family, my business (most days), and every accomplishment that I have made towards digging myself out of the ditch that was meant to be my life and landing on top of this hill I'm on now. We don't have to stay in the situations we find ourselves in, and I choose to disassociate with anyone who says/lives differently. Life is what you make it, so make it a great one, by any means necessary.
ReplyDelete